Thursday 25 / April / 2024
“Discipline has to do with civilising your child so they can live in society,” says psychiatrist Michael Brody, MD. However, the first thing that comes to mind when we hear the word ‘discipline’ is punishment. The word ‘discipline’ comes from the Latin term ‘disciplina’ that actually means ‘teaching’. And there is nothing negative about it. Teaching after all is considered one of the noblest professions on earth. So why the frowns when we think about discipline?
As parents the first thing we need to get right is to know what to do. When we say that we need to discipline a child it should mean we intend to teach and guide him and not punish him. So let’s keep that in mind the next time our son or daughter blatantly flouts a rule or throws a tantrum. Here are some dos and don’ts that can help parents steer their way through this minefield.
Communication: Make sure you communicate calmly first before you dole out the advise. Ensure your child understands where exactly he or she has gone wrong and also make it a point to tell them the correct behaviour expected. Often we are quick to yell, ‘No. Don’t do that’ to children. Rather than that we could just tell them in a calm voice what behaviour we expect from them. For example, we could say, “Throwing food around is not good. The next time you do that you won’t get any candy as a treat.”
Clear rules and boundaries: Be crystal clear about how you want them to behave, both at school and at home. Children always look for excuses to have things their way. Make them understand your expectations and also let them know the consequences they have to face if they flaunt the rules. Make a list of consequences that matter to the children. It could be taking away their mobile for 24 hours or asking them to forgo their TV time for the day. or giving them an extra chore.
Mistakes are an opportunity: All parents want their children to be perfect but that’s not realistic, is it? Children will make mistakes and that’s how they learn the ropes. We need to use mistakes as an opportunity to teach them the right behaviours and values. While disciplining your child take a moment to understand what exactly you want your child to learn from the consequence of breaking your rules.
Empathy: Being kind and firm while handling a tough or disappointing situation is not easy. But then again, no one said parenting is a piece of cake. If your child is misbehaving in school or continues to break your rules you need to find the root cause of the problem. Fix the real problem and not just the symptoms. Get them to talk to you and empathise with them even if you don’t agree with them completely. Kids have a lot of pressure to perform academically and socially in school and elsewhere.
Don’t get sucked into arguments: This happens especially with strong-willed children or teenagers who are on the threshold of adulthood. There may be a hundred explanations and excuses for a mistake but stick to your guns and don’t argue with them. Let them know what consequence they have to face and walk out of the room keeping your temper intact.
Keep it simple: Especially with smaller children keep rules and consequences uncomplicated. For example you could say, “If you beat your younger sister then you won’t be given ice-cream today when everyone else is having a treat.” Lay out consequences that matter to them. They need to be age-appropriate.
Be balanced: Don’t be too harsh or too lenient when you are trying to teach them something from their mistake. Use things or activities they like as leverage. This could be the mobile or cartoon time or computer time. The consequences must fit the crime. Don’t go overboard.
Don’t get emotional: Neither should you get emotional nor should you appeal to their emotions irrespective of their age. Take a few minutes to calm yourself and then speak to them as logically as possible pointing out their mistake and correcting the behaviour.
Problem-solving conversations: Try to engage in conversations where both you and your child can discuss the problem and come up with reasonable solutions. Engage your child’s self-interest. Ask them how they can modify their behaviour so that they don’t find themselves in hot water again.
Never show disgust or disdain: Don’t let your emotions run away with you no matter what the scenario. Your children need your guidance and appreciation always. Use your words wisely. Don’t focus on hurting their feelings by using sarcasm or hurtful remarks or abusive language. Remember no child is bad, it’s her behaviour that needs work.
As Jim Rohn said, “We must all suffer one of two things: The pain of discipline or the pain of regret or disappointment.”
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